Dear Diary…

Let’s discuss friendship, hopefully I can do this without stepping on too many toes. The main question would be why people behave like they are the victim when they are the one that caused their pain when it comes to the relationship of the friendship. I’ll start with third grade.

I had a light purple electronic Dear Diary in 3rd grade. It was the hottest big girl device to have. My mom had encouraged me not to take it to school but of course I didn’t listen. Everyone needed to see my cool device. My “friend” set in the double desk right next to me so she seen me put my Dear Diary inside when we left to go to lunch. I returned back to my desk and my “Dear Diary” had magically disappeared. This was the first time I had something stolen from me but of course I didn’t think my friend had taken it. I got home and told my mom I lost it or maybe someone stole it so she bought me another and told me she wouldn’t buy me anymore if the new one went missing. Me being me, I took it back to school. I remember my “friend” being mad when she seen me with it and she treated me differently as well like she did not like me very much. In Kindergarten and first grade, us girls had already gone through the “I’m not your friend anymore if you don’t do this for me” routine so I knew those familiar feelings all too well. First of all, nobody can control me because I’m a true Free Spirit that does whatever I want to do when I want to do it and I don’t care what anyone thinks about it including society. This has always been the problem that most people have with me and that’s fine with me because I’m going to live my life how I want to regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I mean otherwise, I wouldn’t be really living.

Anyway, my mom and I were driving back from the mall one day passing my “friend’s” house and what do I see her outside tossing up in the air. MY DAMN DEAR DIARY! It was that day that I learned that friends are not always the friends that they portray themselves to be. From that observation is when I noticed that she was jealous of me because of the clothes that I wore, the way that I wore my hair and the length of my hair, she was jealous of the amount of people that called me their friend, and she was jealous of my beauty. She secretly tried to sabotage my character at every turn. I smiled regardless though right back at my fake friend no matter how much she tried to hurt me. It didn’t faze me. My mom had taught me at an early age that it does not matter how other people treat you but instead how you treat them is between you and God.

I could say that was a key moment in my life but it wasn’t that much of a factor. It was just a stolen possession and something that could be easily replaced. There are some things that cannot be replaced though and that take emotional healing. The stolen possession prepared me for the more so abstract stolen things like happiness, peace, harmony, accord, dignity, pride, respect, etc…A key moment in my life was in 5th grade. Life was good and I had lots of friends. I even had a boyfriend and a lot of guys liked me and wanted me to be their girlfriend despite my status. My cousin by marriage moved from another city so I met her before she started attending school. Once she got to school, I introduced her to all of my friends and she liked my bestfriend the most so she would do things at my emotional expense to impress my bestfriend and make her laugh so she’d like her. She picked on me a lot for various reasons but I decided that it was to make herself feel better about herself because she didn’t know her individual worth. One memory sticks out to me clear as day. We were in class watching a movie and I was leaning back in my chair so she took the liberty of pulling my chair back so that I would fall to the floor in front of the class. I didn’t quite fall down to her level the way that she had planned for me to because I caught myself before I did. I simply laughed, adjusted my chair, and returned to the movie. My real friends were still my friends but I knew exactly who the fake ones were. Always have always will. Sometimes it’s the ones you call family that hurt you the most and try to steal your abstract possessions. A lesson that continues to be learned because my heart is so open.

I don’t condone bullying and I never will condone bullying. Usually the reason is just because that person or persons are hurting inside and haven’t dealt with their pain so they want to hurt other people too. Misery loves company and has to be loud about their pain and include as many people in it as possible. I always pay attention to how people treat other people. If I see someone getting bullied, whether I know them or not, it still bothers me and I don’t want anything to do with it. I’ll naturally space myself out from whoever is doing the bullying. I learned that you have to pay attention to how people treat other people because you can always end up on the other side. To me, in general, if your character ain’t shit, I don’t want anything to do with you personally. I learned that lesson while I was married. It doesn’t bother me so I don’t really care about how you treat me, I more so care about how you treat other people. That bothers me. It shows what kind of soul you are. I only want to be surrounded by beautiful souls first and foremost.

Enough about the grad school friends, I weeded out the fake and left school with some awesome lifetime friends. I’m talking about 6 20 years plus long friendships to date. They will all be sitting pretty at my Grandma 81st birthday party in a few weeks from now. Anyway let’s talk about the adult friendships with women. I prefer not to have them overall. I had been friends with this one girl for a long time, she’s about 27 I think. We went to basic training together and spent time on a deployment together but I did not truly know her. Fast forward about 6 years and she comes out to Hawaii to “visit me” but low and behold she’s only interested in meeting rich men. I guess she thought Oahu was Maui laughing my butt off. There’s only military here and after she realized that her dreams were shattered she was bored all of a sudden. I felt bad for her and added her to a Facebook website where she could meet people easier and go out on dates while I worked. She took the liberty of going into my bathroom into my makeup bag and grabbing my eyeliner out. Now I don’t really wear makeup for real so I only had one eyeliner and she broke it. With so many eye diseases, I’m terrified of using the same eyeliner as someone else. I found that whole situation to be selfish and disgusting. I felt so violated and for that reason, I’m very careful about the energy that I invite into my home. I gave her a good lecture and dropped her off at the airport never to be heard from again.

I’m the type of person that typically stands my ground and that’s just how I am. Nobody is going to walk all over me just because they feel like it. Another friend about 37 I think was going through a few things and she came out to visit me and we had a blast. The next time she planned to come out and visit me I told her to make other plans because it was going to be the same week that my boyfriend was coming out. I guess she forgot to make other plans so needless to say after I picked her up from the airport and took her to get food, she was upset with me. Never to be heard from again.

I don’t hold grudges. If someone decides they want to lose me then it is their freewill to make that decision and they lost me. That is fine with me either way. I will say that every time someone decides to lose me, I gain another beautiful friend in their place almost at the same time as I lost them. Simultaneous reasoning or maybe coincidence laughing out loud. Thankful for the beautiful friends I make. That’s just the Universe pushing people out and pulling people in for the seasonal changes within me. Near and far, I’m thankful for some beautiful friendships. I don’t hold grudges and I feel bad for the people that do. She’s about 25 and we were really cool until she couldn’t get me to do things that she wanted me to do regardless of my current state of mind. I’d just got into a car accident, lost my dream job, broke up with my boyfriend, and my grandma was sick. I was pretty depressed and just trying to stay afloat. She thought that inviting me out to birthday dinners and slumber parties was best for me. I knew that they were worst for me. It was best for me to be alone and within small crowds of people that I already knew. Anything else was just too overwhelming and I’d probably burst out into tears because that is just how sad I was, crying just about every thought. Nobody can never tell me what’s best for me when it comes to me healing in the unique ways that I prefer to heal according to my soul. So she got upset when I turned down multiple invites and decided not to be my friend anymore. That was fine with me because I was just trying not to die laughing out loud. A beautiful soul stepped in and added to my overall healing just with her presence in my life alone. The beauty of that is that she doesn’t even know it. I just call her rainbow. It’s a wonderful thing to have a person so amazing in your life full of positive energy that matches your own so when one of you are low you can recharge eachother. I’ve never had that before and that’s what I find truly special about my rainbow. I can never thank her enough for the grace she brings into my life.

I am extremely fluent in my friendships and I’ve learned I don’t do well with possessive friends. I try to spread my time out to everyone I care about but sometimes it isn’t done evenly. It is done at the convenience of my energy. If I have lots of energy than I can plan multiple things to do with different people throughout the day. If I don’t have much energy then I have to choose 1 or 2 people that gets my time that day. Sometimes I’ll wait until my friends reach out to me and plan my day around their convenience. Either I’m really busy or not busy at all. There’s really not an in between because I have so many different groups of friends. I will say one thing though. Whoever brings the most peace is generally who gets the most time at either their convenience or mine. Whoever brings any discord and causes a disruption of peace in my soul will see less of me until it’s a form of not at all. Generally, I don’t explain to adult people what they are doing wrong, it’s a waste of breath because they won’t see their actions as wrong either way. They are the victim and I am the one that did them wrong. I’ll always remember that.

People who have broken spirits always want to break the spirit of others. Not saying this is everyone because there could always be more than what’s on the surface. I learned that in my marriage. It keeps being proven to me that character is the mark of all reason and to always pay attention to how people treat other people because I or someone I love could easily end up on the other side. Bullying is a trigger for me and I separate myself from that type of behavior no matter who it is.

My boyfriend was coming to Hawaii for me and I was so excited. This meant that I could distract myself from and hopefully get over the damage that was inadvertently caused to my spirit. I literally fell off the face of the earth with him and we were super caught up in each other. Even as Best Friends now, we are still caught up in each other. It’s like the world stops when we are together and it’s just us and whatever we are talking about. If he looks into my pretty brown eyes, consider him gone mentally and lost in the abyss of all reason. But enough about him, I choose friendships with males any day over females. Women are just so complicated. So of course my “friends” think I chose my then boyfriend over them but he brought the most peace so how could I not. As I said before, I have multiple friends and everyone understood that I was focused on my relationship and that I would get to them when I could. I am now on the other side and feel a difference in treatment whether consciously or subconsciously caused.

I am the type of friend that will be there for my friends until there is no end in sight. I feel as though once I’ve proven my loyalty and shown you my spirit that there is not a need to constantly seek friendship validation from a “friend” or to constantly have to prove myself worthy of being a friend. I know what I’ve done for you and you know what you’ve done for me. I don’t feel as though just because I’m not around much that we have to forget everything good that transpired between us and start anew proving loyalty again. Typically, I don’t have friendships that require much because I show my friends who I am right away and even without them proving themselves to me. My heart is open and I am trusting. Once you hurt me, it’s still open to you but I am not as trusting nor am I close enough to get hurt again. I love everyone and my passion is as deep as the sea for life. That’s just who I am.

The friendships that I make throughout my travel typically are strong and some not so strong but I don’t love them any less, I just know the placement. My 20 year plus friendships are the strongest friendships that I have in my life. People generally come and go but Sangae, Kim, Janequa, Ricola, and Deedee are in my life forever ingrained in my heart. They are my love for various reasons and each in some unique way.

My heart dropped when I thought I’d almost lost one over a simple miscommunication and misunderstanding. I think my mom fought harder for the friendship than I did because I’m so used to having so many friends, it really doesn’t faze me much when I lose one but this one was different. Losing her meant losing a part of me and I am crying as I type this because I came so close to losing her. She attacked our character, told us that we were never her real friends, and she said that we were conspiring against her. It was the paining kind of aching hurt I’d ever felt next to losing my stepson after my divorce. I properly grieved her for a few months as I did my stepson. Confided in my mom and aunt and I was able to gain some closure on the whole ordeal. I don’t know if we will ever be the same after she got mad at me for no reason and spoke to me the way that she did but my heart is open and she is still ingrained in there. I love her always first and foremost. You don’t just throw away the legacy of a 20 year plus friendship. You don’t just dismantle the fab five because of a misunderstanding. I am okay now and the tears stopped.

I said all that to say that you should always know who your real friends are and know when to forgive them as well. Know when to acknowledge, accept, and let go of what no longer serves you so that something new and true can enter. Remember that I love everyone but I refuse to let anyone control me. I don’t usually leave people but I do distance myself until I am over whatever discord I was feeling underneath it all. People usually leave me and that’s fine with me. I let them believe whatever they want to believe. It just makes room for the people that truly care about spending time with me and just having me in their presence. I am thankful for the experience and I just move on because there is such a bigger picture to look at from multiple perspectives. I am open to them all and that is my gift. I love everyone no matter how I am treated. That’s not between me and them. It will always be between me and God. I thank God for blessing me with the unique soul that I have. Thank you God for loving and accepting me as you made me.

I remember

It’s ok for them to be the victim…

I’ll continue my roll as the survivor.

Dear diary…

6 thoughts on “Dear Diary…

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