Love in pain

He played in my hair he told me he loves me he rubbed my feet told me they are pretty he massaged my back rubbed it gently he picked me up kissed my neck told me he would never leave me he believes in me doesn’t believe in us but truly believes in me now he’s hurting bc he feels he hurt me. Yes of course it hurts 2nd time around theory proved it hurt a little less. He wanted me to make the decision for him that’s what hurt. Be a man make your own decisions. Guess I really didn’t know you. The man I thought I knew would’ve flat out told me what his freewill desired. He wouldn’t have hid behind his fear like some coward. Kings are not cowards. I exhaled when he told me what he wanted. I exhaled when he said we are not together let’s start over as friends. Not the first time I’ve heard that before. I am 31 and so done with these confused ass men that don’t know what they want when I do know what I want. Fuck them I will still get what I want with or without them. He played in my hair told me he loved me he kisses my soul whenever he kissed me now I just need him to go so I can cry myself to sleep. I do love him. He was everything I wanted. Everything I needed. Transparency And consistency soulfully existed whole man. I refuse to be confused along with confused ass men. I’m too strong for that so I cry in my own arms. It was fun while it lasted hell it was perfect. He didn’t lead me on he didn’t hurt me. He didn’t try to kill my spirit he brought even more life to it. I am so thankful for him. Even more thankful to let him go. He needs himself so that he can finish began his healing journey. I was only the beginning. He was an ending to apart of mine. When good men hurt you. A man is still a man whether good or bad. At the end of the day he will do what he wants to and there’s nothing to do or say that will make him stay. I only want him to stay if his freewill desires to stay and if it doesn’t then I let go. Holding on to something that doesn’t want to be held breeds resentment. But how do you stop all feelings like they were never there. Easy. Release them into freedom and began anew with pure feelings. Feelings you never felt before bc every time you fall in love it is different from the last time. Every time you grieve a lost love it is different from the last time. Grieving the perfect love. They say don’t fall too fast. That’s the only way to truly live. Fall fast fall hard. At least you know you aren’t dead inside. When you’re with someone that wakes up every nerve inside of your body. Someone you can ground yourself with someone with eyes like you someone that sees the world as small but deeply as you see it bc there’s a bigger light out there. Someone that knows the truth and further seeks it to fulfill their spirit. That’s what I’m grieving. All of you.

The backstory is that this King is newly divorced. He has only just begun his healing process. I knew this going in. He decided that he needs to find himself again. I know firsthand he has to be alone to do that. I miss him already he gave me everything I didn’t realize I could have. Some day that will be even more. It’s already claimed. It may not be him but it will be a great man free of pain and full of love. He will love me like crazy. I’m still ready for him and he will be ready for me. He won’t be afraid of me. Today was the first time he looked at me in bewilderment. That was when he broke up with me and I complimented him. I miss him already he lit a fire in me that I haven’t felt in a very long time. I love that feeling. He made me feel so safe so secure so lost in love. Maybe it was too much for him too soon but I don’t regret it at all. It was real. People say they want real and then they get it and they are afraid of it so they back out. They say let’s start over and be friends. The way to heal a broken heart.

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2 thoughts on “Love in pain

  1. Love is like a science experiment. You have to have all the right components mixed together to make something remarkable happen. Hold your head up high because love is in your future. Take your time and let it find you. Be blessed and God will show you the path to extreme healing.

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