Imagine waking up everyday just fine until you think about something…then you feel sick. Waking up and going to a job that makes you physically sick. I remember this feeling. I lived this way for a few months. Every time he called I would get sick and have to run to the bathroom. Being with someone that made my bowels weak was definitely not the move nor healthy for me physically let alone mentally and emotionally. This played into leaving things not for you and leaving things where they are that don’t belong to you. So after returning home from my deployment, I made a decision that was the best thing to do for my health. I left.
Imagine having the perfect job that you actually enjoy waking up to for about a total of 8 months then you’re told one day that you have to leave it and go back to your old job that you hate. Maybe it is because I hate it that it makes me sick. All I can think about was how I actually woke up loving to go to work and how it was snatched from me. Maybe this is what grieving the loss of something important to you feels like. I’ve felt this before. This get sick and take pepto drink some broth definitely keep the ginger ale on me 24/7. I’ve felt this before and I don’t like it. I often wonder what are the long term effects of feeling like this. It surely cannot be good for my heart in the long run. It’s me or the job. Of course I’m choosing me. My health comes first. Why take happy pills that will cause me to May or may not have suicide thoughts when I can just leave. Something that contributes to my anxiety so much that it makes me sick means I need to leave. Too bad I can’t. Too bad I’m stuck for another year and some change. Currently trying to figure out how to make the best of each day I have left stuck in a place I don’t want to be. Don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciate all of the opportunities that this job has afforded me but it’s time that I reclaim my time. It is time that I take back my energy and emotion. It is time that I leave this place because it is no longer for me. I’m not sure if it ever was for me. I think it was just something to do. Kind of like those relationships you enter knowing they are not for you and you deserve so much better. Those relationships that you know won’t work out but you jump in anyway and then you stay trying your best to make it work out. Ever felt like you were in a relationship alone though like your partner doesn’t make you feel safe or loved at all. Instead you’re fearing for your life everyday trying to prove yourself everyday by giving it all you got but it goes unappreciated and so you start doing just enough to get by. Your partner won’t notice anyway so what’s the point of putting forth so much time and effort if they don’t care. Kind of like this job. What’s the point if they don’t care. What’s the point if you’re in so much pain and hurting like hell but they don’t see you so they don’t care. Beware of the partners that will try to use you up until there’s nothing left to use. Ever had a partner that tried to continue breaking you even after you were broken? That’s how I feel. I’m starting to think that my back is irreparable. I’ve tried everything from acupuncture dry needling motrin inflammatory medications physical therapy and now a chiropractor. After leaving everything else…chiropractor is working. Why did it take doing everything else and wasting time when the chiropractor was all I needed. Everything else is such a distraction when the thing that works is usually the simplest. Jumping through hoops is what we have been trained to do though. If a job is meant for us we will feel it and if a relationship is for us we will feel it. Now it’s leaving time and making the best of the last days at the job I hate bc it never loved me never wanted me only took my greatest talents for granted never gave me fair chances to exercise them. It only wanted to box me up and make me into what it wanted me to be. First of all, butterflies don’t fit into boxes and what about what I want to be. I’ve had enough of suppressing my greatness. It’s time to be everything I can be for something worthy of me. Done trying to want something that doesn’t want me. Freedom is ringing. Answer it.