2018 January seventeenTH
Chapter: leaving the familiar
The thing with writing is that you don’t know where to start. You get stuck like some people get stuck in life. You find yourself at a standstill looking each way for somewhere to go or for a sign. Then you fidget around with your hair and your clothes thinking that it may come to you instead of going to it. That’s right, you don’t realize that if you go to it then you have a better chance to keep going at it and for it. To obsessively pursue it until you have it then move on to the next project.
My book writing is nothing like that. I’d rather discuss how people think with their different minds until they are exhausted from day to day mundane life. Or how they have a short attention span like me. I just finished cleaning at my fingernails. Hating this acrylic. Why did I get it…so that all my nails could be the same length. Then 2 more cracked and they needed acrylic as well. Now I’m stuck with 3 acrylic uncomfortable nails that I hate. I could have just had my nail tech cut all of my nails down to the same length. I could have just faced that pain. I pretended there that was no pain instead.
I did that for so long while I was married. If there is a piece of advice that I could give every woman reading this book of me, I’d tell her that THE GOAL IS NOT THE RING. We have all been bamboozled and tricked into thinking that we need to do all these extravagant things to attract a man just so he will want us eventually propose to us. What if you do all these things and he’s not the man that you want. It would have been a waste of time, emotion, and energy. The goals is to figure out if he is worthy of you. YOU ARE THE GIFT. He is the receiver. You both are the Giver. Relationships require EFFORT.
It is perfectly fine to decide that no man or woman is worthy of you for the time being. That is your decision. Main thing. Live your life however you want to and according to you. If you want to ruin your life, it is your free will to do so. What I don’t understand for the life of me though is why do people ask for help and reach out for help and then let the help go into one ear and out the other. I am in no way shape or form in the position to give advice so I don’t but I do enjoy guiding people to making their own decisions. I am just as proud of you for making a decision for your life ultimately. I am not the one to judge whether it is good or bad. It is your life. It is your free will. Begin and end your story however you want to.
For so long, my free will was held hostage. I’d given someone else permission to control my freedom. I was not free. I began to function in a zombie-like existence. It was as if my body was there but my mind was on vacation and my soul was crying out to be saved and my heart was in so much pain that it could barely feel. I was dying until I died and then my soul was free.
This is what a transformation feels like. It feels like you’re dying, nothing is going right, everything is falling apart, and your entire world as you know it is being turned upside down. While everyone else is right-side up, you’re upside down. I was just as confused as a newborn baby coming into the world. Having to let go of my marriage, let go of my kid, let go of my pride, and find myself again. I’ll admit, it was hard. I went crazy and ended up sane. I ended up in peace through solitude. Being alone is underrated. I ended up in happiness. To the point of no return harmonious peace and happiness and you can get there too. It’s not another person, place, or job. It all starts with you. There’s still time. It’s called right now. Live in the moment, embrace your transformation, and began your journey to peace. Must experience discomfort to grow. Get uncomfortable it’s never too late.
I fell from pain and into love for the very first time. I had to face the pain first. I had to grieve so many things at once. Nobody teaches you how to grieve. Nobody says sure you’re smiling and everything feels right and it’s about to fall apart so that even better things can fall together. We never are truly ready to let go until we are forced to let go. I fought so hard for things that did not belong to me. When I found things that did belong to me, I felt peace and no discord at all. I was happy. I did not have to compete. I had the perfect job and it loved me. My lover was lost and needed an escape so I gave him one. He became an EX and there’s no place in my mind or heart for anyone that gave up on me and did not trust me to love them as hard as I could. I have realized that I love very hard no matter how much pain I have ever felt or how much hurt I’ve endured over the years. I choose love every time. Love ain’t never did nothing to nobody. People just hurt people because they are hurting. I move on from hurt. I feel it and smile at it maybe caress it and keep it moving. Allowing hurt to control your life is a prison of pain. So many people are stuck in their minds. Allowed their mind to function as a prison. Keeping theirselves guarded keeping the pain inside keeping their thoughts locked up keeping their love underground keeping their mind quiet. Quiet minds and hearts not truly living just looking like it to keep up appearances. Whoops almost fell into some feelings generation. I can’t fall I might get hurt. I can’t get up I might fall down. I can’t live I just might die.
The absolute scariest thing was being stuck in a life I didn’t want. How do you find the will to live a life you don’t want. If you could have a better life. Go get it. Go to it. I’ve never felt a love like this before. All I wanted was the moon and a few stars but this man gave me galaxies and a few universes. He dropped his life and came to me. I’ve never felt a love as strong and powerful as this before. I felt him before I touched him and I feel him right now. He’s at home in bed and I’m at work but he keeps me so strong I just exhaled bc he touching me so powerfully. Enough about him. I never imagined the scariest thing because I refuse to be stuck in a life I don’t want no matter what it costs me. My peace is priceless. It took too long to achieve it. I receive confirmation daily the life that is for me is getting closer and closer. That is correct I can happier than I already am and I will not settle until I’m there. Until I’m in serenity itself stuck in the middle of nowhere thinking about nothing wondering about everything listening to nature’s worries and transforming them into peaceful desires. This is so much bigger than us.
What’s on the other side of the sun? What’s on the other planets? Will we ever migrate to another planet and what norms will we have to conform to if we cohabitate with other beings besides humans. All humans are not earth born but we won’t get into that. The other dimensions and beings of those natures. We won’t get into that. We will stick to the boring mundane things of life love pain heartache and how to get on with our miserable lives. When everything seems so big but is actually very small. People are so selfish for only thinking of themselves. What about humanity. Why must anyone be treated less than human and why must most people not take up for those that cant take up for themselves. If only a proper justice could be served for everyone to eat. So many regurgitate it especially when it’s a disgusting meal to stomach like politics and stupid systems. Systems they say we need in life to function and for order. Social experiments detail that all we need is love. Why is it that hurt people just continue to hurt people. Like those demons that they have inside that they should be dealing with instead of avoiding. They should be trying to fix the origin that the demons spun from. It can be literally anything. Any truth you don’t face right away. Anything not grieved properly. Any grudges, hatred, misdirected anger, and animosity towards people that have done nothing to you. I tell them I know it is not me that your issue is with so I wish you the best in figuring out your way.
Love is all we need. You don’t have to be positive or pretend everything is ok. It is better to yell scream stomp your frustrations out whatever it takes to get it out and then say no over and over again until it sounds normal to you. If they call you mean, it is a compliment. Let them call you mean, you’re not a doormat. You’re not a social experiment or anybody’s guinea pig. You are you and this is your journey to peace. Be kind to humanity along the way and respect nature throughout. Mentally appreciate everything mentally given to you because it becomes the physical. Whatever you think and put out into the universe it becomes your reality. Whatever you think you are is what you are. Live in the moment of you. The Real you is what everyone craves. Give them the RAW.
Imagine being told you’ve only got 20 minutes to live. That was real life for me. Nothing could’ve prepared me for the feelings. It’s life changing.
Waking up to this notification on January 13, 2018 was an indescribable feeling. We just received the word about having a special alarm for missile alert last month. We have yet to go through any training on what to do yet. So as this alert is going off on my phone, work is calling me, USPACAF automated message is calling me…I’m peacefully still asleep. I wake up to see the alert and that work had called. I start piecing things together in my mind and that’s when I realized I needed to research and figure out what to do. I googled and the most useful thing I found was to shelter in place. stay away from windows. separate the clean air from the dirty air by sealing off a room. I laid in bed and mentally gathered the canned and dry food along with water in my head to place in my bathroom (only room without windows) then I looked over at my boyfriend to figure out how to wake him up and tell him we might die in 20 min or less so we should call all of our loved ones. Right before he woke up, another notification came through that the message had been sent out in error.
At that moment I thanked God for allowing me to continue to live and breathe another day. I thought about how I do not have any regrets. My heart is pure, spirit is at peace, and my mind is clear…I thought to myself about how I have seen so many places and did so many things. I thought about how happy I am and how at peace I am. I thought about the beauty of everything around and how thankful I am for this life I’ve been given to live. I know I am truly blessed so I have always vowed to never take my days for granted. Thoughts before you die…no panic here. I have lived laughed so much and loved my way through the pain of live only to get more and more love back in return. If God says it is time to go. It’s time to go. He is always on time. I was prepared to peacefully call all of my close family and bestfriends to tell them how much I loved them and to have a few laughs. Find the joy in your life.